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In a small town in North Carolina there is
a junk yard that has a huge sign on the front of the building that says,
"Drive Reckless! It Helps Business!"
I have repeatedly seen the same banner on bus stop benches all over
Sacramento, California. They read simply, "Learn to Read. Call xxx-xxxx"
Billboard I saw on a hill down south: Tattoos done while you wait!
A local jewelry store in my town has a marquee out front that says, "We buy
old boyfriends jewelry!"
A sign on the back shield of a car: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR
SHOULD I DRIVE BY AGAIN?
On the dirty back window of a Computer company van, some funny person had
written with their finger in the dust www.washme.com.au.
Stupid Signs: I was driving by a KFC and on their marquee it said: "Now
Hiring: 2 Chickens for $5.99."
I used to work at a residence for developmentally disabled adults called "Opengate."There
was a sign on their gate that read: "Gate must remain closed at all times."
While driving through a small town I noticed a sign that said, "FOR SALE:
BUY OWNER"
When I lived on California, one day I was driving down a mountainous road in
the desert. I came across a sign that said, "Watch For Trocks." I don't know
it it meant "trucks" or "rocks in the road." Ha! Maybe it meant "trucks
hauling rocks". Anyway, it was one of the funniest signs I ever saw.
On the way to my sisters house in a small Minnesota town is a building with
a big sign on the front door that says "STRIP-N-SHOP." It makes me laugh out
loud every time I drive by. Turns out it is a furniture refinishing
business.
As I was driving down the Strip in Las Vegas I noticed a sign on a small
run-down motel: "This motel highly recommended by owner."
There is a road sign near Cape Cod, Massachusetts that declares: "CAUTION -
WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN"
On a sign at an Indiana college: "Keep Door Close."
In a small town next to where I live, there is a Presbyterian Church with a
sign that reads,: "Come join us for Sun. worship!"
I saw a sign in Kansas just off the highway that read: "WHAM for kids, a
child abuse foundation."
Here's a sign my friends and I get a kick out of: Sign from a clothing store,
"Kids CHEAP!"
Rounding the drive-thru at a local fast food place I noticed a sign on the
wooden gates around the dumpsters. It read: "OPENS FROM INSIDE"
There is a mini-mall in San Jose CA. It has a small pharmacy and a
seamstress shop located in the mall. The sign out front says: "Lee's Drugs
-- Unlimited Alterations"
In the sporting goods department of the Wal-Mart I work at there is a
display with a back to school sign. Under the sign are boxes of rifle shells.
On the front of a catholic elementary school Jesus is coming! No bingo
Sunday
At the entrance to a small community is a sign that says: Private Property -
No Trespassing - No Exit
There is a sign at a small country cemetery near my home that is a little
slanted and pointing down toward the ground and it says "ONE WAY."
In Ocean Springs, MS, there is a sign that reads "speed limit 25mph unless
otherwise posted." Right below it, another sign reads, "Speed limit 30 mph."
Sign: "Fire wood for sale to go."
While on a vacation in Maine, we visited a water park. To help people who
didn't want to stay wet, there was a sign pointing to the changing areas.
Right below that sign, which pointed left, there was another one for a
viewing area, which -- you guessed it, also pointed left. I wonder who the
genius was who designed the park?
In Richmond, KY there was a restaurant named Bonanza and they had a sign
that said, "Remember there is no tipping at Bonanza" The place then burnt to
the ground and they changed the sign to read, "Remember there is no Bonanza."
This was seen several years ago, also from the Atlanta Vasectomy Clinic, and
was in reference to the Atlanta Braves baseball team... "Atlanta Vasectomy
Clinic, Atlanta's best Chop Shop!"
On a Plumber's window: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep
with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the Psychic Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've
come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one
just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "
At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you would send in your
bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get
fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On a New Hampshire road: "Will build to suit Emory A. Tuttle"
On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without permission."
In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public
stops taking it away."
On a Tennessee highway: "Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road
is impassable."
Similarly in a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time
you washed your car."
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield
in Place."
On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as
substitute for human companionship.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined
that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack
by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex
surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into
exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to
steady your nerves.
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has
been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
looking at? Quit staring at me.
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving
suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn
upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As
opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta
admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your
home."
In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?"
In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid
of aunts."
I was driving in the bay area and saw a sign for Continuum Street. Right
above it there was a sign indicating the end of the street!!! It looked like
this: End - Continuum
On a highway in New York, "Caution, state correctional facility ahead, do
not pick up hitchhikers."
I saw a sign yesterday that read "No Outlet", right under it was a tiny sign
that said "one block ahead."
A sign outside a furniture store in northern Virginia states (in large
letters) "ANTIQUE Tables Made Here Daily."
On a trip to London, we visited a museum which had special facilities for
disabled visitors. Many exhibits had small brass plates with Braille writing
(you know, with raised dots so blind people can 'feel' the words). The
translation underneath said, "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THIS EXHIBIT."
On a New York convalescent home: "For the
sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorised personnel."
In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers
will be violated."
On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our
washing machines do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlour: "Ask about our layaway plan.
On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open.
Sorry for the inconvenience."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00
- They won't last an hour!"
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please
leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
On a North Carolina highway: "EAT" - "300 FEET"
On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."
On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."
On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people
from 15 to 19."
In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minute."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."
I saw the following warning label at MIT's Junior Lab: "WARNING: Do not look
into laser with remaining eye"
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be
prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window
frightened.
Guys: No shirt, No service - Girls: No shirt, No charge
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek): 'Caution:
Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill
the fastest
Sign in King's Canyon in California: 'Slow Parking Ahead'
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg
International Airport into town:
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and
all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without
WINDOWS!!!'
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years
ago: restrooms - - - - > Please wait for hostess to seat you.
Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT: Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.
Seen in a health food store: " Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with
an organic carrot "
On a revolving door: Passenger
compartments for individual use only.
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1
And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children
allowed!"
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth
floor."
In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."
In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention centre."
In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."
In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated,
when you can come here?"
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for
birds only."
In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."
On a movie marquee: "Now Playing: Adam and Eve with a cast of thousands!"
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of
your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one
just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
Bargain basement upstairs.
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or
further steps will be taken.
Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the
draining board.
This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept
locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your
wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone
with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in
order.
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed
of.
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much
but our petrol is.
Elephants please stay in your car.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the
first floor.
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't
work)
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've
got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up."
nside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
We were driving and saw a sign that said, "Loose 30 pounds in 1 month."
Under the sign there was another sign that had the McDonalds arch with an
arrow pointing to the way to McDonalds.
In a counsellors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is
optional."
HOTEL: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people
BUTCHER'S WINDOW: Pleased to meat you
AUTO BODY SHOP: May we have the next dents?
SIGN IN AN OFFICE: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left!
VETERINARIANS WAITING ROOM: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be"
BEAUTY SHOP: Dye now!
GARBAGE TRUCK: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
RESTAURANT WINDOW: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
BOWLING ALLEY: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop
CAFETERIA: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any
place they want
MUSIC LIBRARY: Bach in a minuet
FUNERAL HOME: Drive carefully, we'll wait
At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container."
In an New York restaurant "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager."
In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm!" "Special shoppers'
luncheon before 11:00 AM."
On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the
full extent of the law." "-- Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on
the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
On a movie theatre: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless
with child."
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not
served here... You have to bring your own.
Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
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